Diary of a Mom: Sleep 'Training' Edition

So we have all read the books, watched the videos, overheard the mom who brags about her success with training her baby to sleep. I am not a first time parent, yet many days I completely forget everything I once 'learned' about motherhood from my first born, as I'm lulled into dreamland by the gentle coos of my 7 month old falling asleep on my arm, head nestled against my shoulder.

On Day 1 of the decision to craft some semblance of a schedule for our precious bundle, its all good. I wake with a purpose, dedication to the mission, and images of going to sleep in my own bed. Spacing daytime feeds out to 4 hour intervals can't be that hard, right? Step 1 seems like a breeze.

By the end of the 1st day we're in one piece, baby is satiated, finished most of his 4 bottles more completely than when I let him snack on no predetermined regimen. Naps  are the same, sporadic and in varied places from the crib (25 minutes) to my chest (1 hour during a conference call).

Night 1 is a shit show. The 8:00 pm 4-hour interval bottle was too late and he was too hungry, yet hes not ready for bed after guzzling down 7 ounces either. We rock. We try the crib. We cry. We come out of the crib. We dance, we sing, we bounce, we rock again. An hour later, we're both asleep in the bed as all nights prior to the sleep mission. He eats at 12:00 am, and 4:00 am and goes through many restless wake ups in between.

Day 2 starts off with mostly despair, and 3 coffees. Work is busy, my hair is messy, and there wasn't time for a shower because the 8:00 am 4-hour interval bottle is due. He takes only 2 ounces. But the books say have him finish the whole feed! Now what?

By night 2 I'm done with this crap. Still no shower because these damn 4 hour intervals, which sounded easy  (much like how a 5 year old looks like a real grown kid minutes before he throws himself on the ground in the supermarket and you pretend not to know him) are actually miserable and deceiving.

So my advice is this. One day, babies become kids, and kids go to sleep (this I know since I have one). It might be months or years, so survive while you can, and spend your money on good shoes and vodka, not sleep training books.