Growing

My 6 year old came home from school yesterday, jumped down from the last bus step in his usual spring board like manner. He came running toward me, arms outstretched for a hug. We came into the house, back pack thrown to the floor, shoes kicked off in different directions. He grabbed the iPad, headed to the cabinet to retrieve a snack, and nestled into a counter stool for a few minutes of decompression before the tiresome after school routine (dinner, read, homework, bath, play, 5 minute warning 15 times, bed) began again like groundhogs day.

But something about my now 6 and half year old was subtly different today. I felt him get older, sitting there, eating crackers. It was nothing overt or outspoken, more like the way you can sense snowfall despite a forecast of clear skies. The air hangs heavy with a smell that you can feel in your throat when you swallow a deep breath. But just like that, I saw my tiny toddler melt away a little more that day, replaced by a taller, leaner being, capable of backtalk and words that, though he doesn't quite appreciate them yet, carry meaning. His questions are direct and not as easily answered, (why do we go to Church if God is supposed to be everywhere?), and his anxieties about his world (I feel embarrassed when the 3rd graders laugh at me on the bus, why do they do that?) not as easily explained away.

So as 2018 begins, and I smell the emergence of a new age, somewhere north of toddler and still south of teen, I'm trying to hold onto my parenting confidence which is still constantly rattled. Amidst a sea of year end conference calls and client crisis, I realized the baby still hasn't began to sleep through the night yet. And as his first birthday peeks at us from the calendar I'm reminded just how little I actually know about raising children (and how much I need to avoid baby blogs). Deep breaths, calm voices, and lots of hugs.

Diary of a Mom: Working Mom Guilt Edition

I'm practicing mindfulness, and trying hard to wake up happy even on mornings where I have slept less than 4 hours, have to bring the baby to daycare, have to drive to New York, blah blah blah. I know many working moms talk about the guilt associated with having to be at 'work' most of the day, but I don't find this to be my largest source of stress or guilt. Rather the effect that work can have on my patience, and my unfiltered reaction to my kiddos is where my guilt blooms.

When my darling 6 year old says 'mommy' for the 27th time in a 10 minute span, and I sigh audibly before answering him, this is guilt. Because he is trying to show me the track he constructed along the basement floor by himself, or recite a math lesson from school for me, or ask me which of the model trains he collects from the museum gift shop is my favorite.

That small wish I unconsciously make for solitude, for silence, for a glass of wine instead of holding a container of chocolate milk, that is guilt. Working all day at a job I enjoy, feeling proud to be an attorney with large scale responsibilities at a relatively young age, that is fulfillment and modeling hard work for my children, not guilt. The challenge to reserve space on that full emotional plate is what I work at, elusive at times, but most true challenges are. So deep breath, happy face, tight hugs.

Where to Shop on a Budget

Part of the impetus for our move from Long Island to CT last summer was the ever expanding cost of living. Simplifying everything was a top 5 on the priority list, and its been a work in progress. Inevitably there are months where we go over what we budgeted, and some things seem impossible to cut out. So with the invigorating fresh fall air comes a renewed sense of paring down to the essentials, so there is something leftover for the 'wants' after the needs are accounted for.

I love clothing, wine, food, home decor, and coffee. Yes, we all know this. So I've narrowed down the list of where I get these necessary items without busting the budget by the first week of the month.

Clothing

I love Nordstrom for everything possible, from clothing and my athleisure to skincare to holiday candles. The free shipping with zero minimum is not to be understated- this saves a lot of money when you are forced to do so much online shopping (#suburbs and #workingmomlife). I have also given up my Lululemon addiction in favor of more reasonably priced and super functional brands like Zella and Athleta.

I get the other half of my wardrobe from J.Crew, and I only do so from the sale section. If you watch the items you like, they will generally become sale merchandise within 4-6 weeks of their initial appearance on the shelves. Then they run POS (percentage off sale) and that's when you can score huge. (Starting my career as a buyer for Ann Taylor in 2005 still has its advantages.) The Factory diffusion line of J.Crew's classics is not my favorite, as the quality is definitely not the same, and I'd rather have one amazing pair of jeans than 3 mediocre pairs that won't withstand afternoons filled with kneeling for tummy time or 200 hundred trips and up and down the stairs a day.

I buy most of the boys' clothing from Gap Kids and Baby Gap, which costs more than Old Navy or Gymboree, but lasts much longer. Now that I save Tucker's things for Wells, I care about longevity. Gap runs constant promotions on line so its pretty easy to wait for one to make a purchase.

Wine

One of our favorite times each month is when the door bell rings and the friendly FedEx delivery man hands over our box of wine from Winc. We have belonged to this California based wine club for several years, and with many bottles priced around $13 and free shipping with 5 bottles, its the most convenient and wallet-friendly way to try new wines. Give it a try, there is also no fee or monthly minimum.

Home Decor

So this is admittedly a money pit of sports for me, since I rarely can leave a store without something new for the house (yes, even in the grocery store- did you know Stop and Shop sells the cutest woven storage baskets?) But when I'm being judicious with my spending, I stick to places that run specials and seasonal deals, and for this you really can't beat Pier 1 or Michael's (behind the oodles of crafts there are actually super cute home items). Larger stores like Home Goods are fun, but I find the mass amount of items and unorganized shelf displays to be too chaotic when I'm tight on time, and things sold in sets are often missing their pair (I still feel deeply sad when I think of the anchor bookend I found in my local Home Goods last yer with no mate- one bookend I tried so hard to make work but they are called 'bookends' for a reason. #firstworldproblems).

Do You Promise This Too Shall Pass?

 

Its 9 am and I'm on my 4th cup. Last night, thanks in part to back to school colds, teething, pink eye, deadlines, the anxiety of the approaching 4th quarter at work, and a variety of other soul-sucking factors, I slept for 45 minutes. In total. I have read all the blogs, comments and self-help books on colicky babies. The thing is, I don't have a colicky baby. I have an amazing baby who smiles, laughs, crawls, and babbles all day long. He just does. Not. Sleep.

Not in the crib, not in my arms, not in the rocking chair, not in the bed on top of me, not in the bed next to me. He will fall asleep at 9pm in the crib giving me false hope that maybe, just maybe this will be the night he sleeps. I'd praise the lord for even a solid 3 hours stretch. But like an egg timer, by 9:31 he is up. We have tried the rigid day schedule, 4 hour feedings, reducing night bottles, withholding night bottles, freely giving night bottles. He does. Not. Sleep.

Last night I reached the pinnacle of despair, as pink eye set in (for me, not him), and I fought the urge to rub my face as I walked circles around his large nursery, patting, rubbing, singing to him as he restlessly thrashed against my neck. Not crying, just thrashing. Surely this cant go on all night, right? But as the clock tauntingly crept from 1 am to 2, then 3 and 4, it continued. I may have shed a silent tear as I pleaded with him to sleep, feeling instantly sour with guilt because he is such a good boy. But as the unread email count climbs to 50 before 6 am I am in a hole of anguish thinking about the day ahead, and another night like this might break me. Or it might push me over our allotted wine budget for the entire month on the 6th day.

#MomLife

Working full time, raising children, taking care of a home and all that goes along with it, these are things most of us do on a daily basis without complaint (or maybe that's not entirely true- I grumble about no less than 4 things every day). But the days seem endless when, by 8 am, 2 cups of coffee are already digested, the arts and crafts bin is half empty, 3 episodes of paw patrol have already been watched (more than once) and the sun is barely out. I start eating dinner at 3:30 some days when the baby sleeps (on my  shoulder) and there is a lull between conference calls. But older, wiser people tell me these years are actually short (can you imagine?) so capture it and drink it in like a round, balanced cabernet while you can. And share those snaps with me!

Spring Wear (Work From Home Edition)

So these days my wardrobe looks slightly different than it did a year ago. I've talked a lot about how style changes with age, and every few years certain pieces just don't seem to work any longer. Add to the mix a complete lifestyle change from working in a corporate New York office everyday, to serving clients from a home office 75% of the time, expanding the family by adding another tiny person, and my clothing needs have really done an about face.

Floral blouses are still a favorite, and you can't beat Loft for versatile options in this area, machine washable and wallet friendly. Some straight cut denim is still a must have, as are blazers that make anything I'm wearing look presentable in an instant. But on days I am not leaving the house, I need something super practical, still put together (thank you company wide video chat) but not at all fussy. Lou & Grey has been a savior, (how cute is this look?) as have my Lululemon tops that double as gym wear when the lunch hour is free and the new gym just 3 miles away.

Hell must have frozen over because I have purchased multiple pairs of sneakers (these are my favorites), and have even worn them outside of the house when I'm not headed to the gym. Nike is my new friend.

Loft Machine-Washable Blouse, $59

Lou & Grey Signature Soft Dress, $59 

Lululemon Define Jacket, $118

Nike Fklyknit, $120

But among the new pleasure I've discovered in athleisure wear and machine washable tops, the best new joy is definitely working 2 feet from my sweet new baby boy who is cared for by a fabulous nanny everyday while I can still feed and cuddle him anytime I want.

Insta Round Up: Family of Four Edition

Life as a family of four is awesome. We are tired, but we are really happy. Since its 2017, I am not alone in being a working mom who can't really take more than a few weeks off from my job (which I enjoy, and where I have great co workers and bosses that count on me). At 34, I'm early in my legal career and have goals for myself and my family that a long time 'off' would not be conducive with. Its not easy, but we all manage whatever comes our way the best we can. Here are a few images from life lately.

My boys love each other already

Finding time for drinks out with friends is very important! jacket and top, Ann Taylor

LOVE

This face, 1 month old

my first post-baby work out at 3 weeks post-partum! top and pants Lululemon, Nike sneakers

more brotherly love

back to work!

Workwear Snapshots

Its been a busy May with client events, meetings, and work parties. Here's a little round up of how I made working mom work for May.

Day in the office, casual lunch with a client

Zara dress, Ann Taylor jacket, Calvin Klein booties

 Annual client fundraising luncheon at Cipriani, NYC 

Ann Taylor wrap dress, Franco Sarto peep toes, Louis Vuitton Deauville bag

 Meeting with a longtime client

Karina dress, Loft blazer

 Breakfast presentation with law firm we have on retainer

Karina wrap dress, Toms peep toes

Casual day in the office followed by drinks out with coworkers for my birthday!

J.Crew top, Ann Taylor blazer, Loft kick crop jeans, Toms peep toes

Summer Reals

Though in reality, July 4th weekend is the very early stages of summer, to me, it feels like a half way point of sorts. I've been climbing a mountain for at least a month, so it feels like maybe we are in for a break some time soon.

Today, after spending the entire weekend preparing for and then hosting a friend's bridal shower, I took the day off from work. However to cope with a 4 year old that is more akin to a European dictator than a cuddly toddler many days, I had to dress as if I was going to work, and leave at my usual time. Underneath a shift dress I wore gym clothes and changed in my own garage. Luckily, this ploy worked and my husband was able to drop him at camp with minimal resistance (as a full time working mom, a day off for me signals a weekend for my son, and we could not have another epic meltdown like last week when I made the foolish mistake of thinking I could work from home and that he would still agree to leave the house at 8 am).

When we are on the emotional roller coaster with our mostly sweet, but sometimes difficult son (after school ends, before camp begins, when the teacher is absent and their is a sub, when the wind blows west instead of east), I need to stay away from social media where pictures of compliant, smiling children and their easy going, happy parents flood my news feeds and make me feel inadequate, foolish, and completely isolated. The 'this too shall pass' motto is hard to muster with any sincerity, and 'one day at a time' feels like a Tough Mudder competition.

To any parents out there that may relate, let this be my hand reaching out to say you are not alone.

Insta-lately

client meeting and corporate lunch

new whiskey ice ball maker

Loft print dress

NYC client meetings

Sunday afternoon brunch at our house with friends

spring coffee table accessories from West Elm

favorite Tory Burch clutch + lipstick for date night

Sapsuckers for March Madness